Handy list of empathy blockers, or, never say this to a sad person
This morning I heard a hilarious story about Friend A trying to cheer up Friend B by calculating the number of hours Friend B could rightfully claim to be upset. It reminded me that not everybody knows about empathy blockers, the emotional equivalent of logical fallacies. Here’s a handy list from Robin Grille’s Heart to Heart Parenting. While the full article is geared towards parents and child-rearing, this list is really useful for anybody:
Downplaying
Oh, don’t cry. I’m sure it’s not that bad! It’s not the end of the world.Denial
There is nothing wrong; nothing for you to be upset about. Everything is OK.Reasoning
Don’t cry. Can’t you see that the other child didn’t mean to hurt you?The positive spin
Look on the bright side. Can’t you see, this probably happened for a good reason?Cheering up
Don’t worry. Here, let me tell you something funny I heard the other day. Here, have an ice cream. That’ll cheer you up.Advising/giving options
Why don’t you try doing this, or that? I think you should just ignore that so-and-so.The expectation
You should have known better. Get over it. Don’t let it get to you.Put down
Don’t be silly. Don’t be ridiculous.Diagnosing/labeling
You are being over-sensitive.Distracting/diverting
Hey, have a look at the pretty puppet.Stealing the thunder
Now you know how I felt when the same thing happened to me.
It’s natural to respond to a friend who’s hurting with an empathy blocker:
Sometimes we use empathy blockers inadvertently because we are anxiously trying to save our children from emotional pain. Ironically, the greatest salve for our children comes from being heard, not from us trying to change how they feel. For all of these reasons, we all use empathy blockers from time to time, quite automatically and unconsciously. You could say we are all quite skilled at blocking.
But it’s likely you won’t help your friend feel better. (Honestly if you go too far with some of these blockers, they’ll probably just want to punch you.) Instead, check out the rest of the article for tips on how to deal with painful—or even just annoying—situations.
—Timoni
