The question: I am in the situation where a friend of mine…is bringing me coffee. I want to make this as humorously difficult as possible. What are some obnoxious qualifiers that I can put on my coffee request?
The answer, from dirtdirt: I say you order an iced grande breve half caf misto red-eye, with a pump of mocha, pump of vanilla, a scoop of vanilla powder, and a Sugar-in-the-raw, with whip cream and caramel, in a vente cup. Iced means the barista has to deal with ice, breve means they have to grab half & half (often it’s in the fridge, sometimes you’ll get lucky and it’s in the back, rarely is it handy) misto is Starbese for cafe au lait - drip coffee with steamed milk, but it’s iced so you are getting milk with iced coffee. So they can’t just push the half/caf button, in fact they have to go to a different station (hopefully) to get the iced coffee, from TWO pitchers, caf and decaf. The sugar in the raw, mocha and vanilla syrup are to slow things down, the vanilla powder is a pain in the ass and in a different place. Red eye means they have to go back and throw an espresso shot on top. You are getting a grande in a vente cup because baristas have sense memories (and markings on the sides of the cups) to keep ratios straight and it just throws another slight monkeywrench at them, whip cream and caramel because, again, it takes time and is annoying.
Creative Coffee Request, via Metafilter
